The continuing ramblings of TheDarkChristian

Why are you here?

2004-10-21T17:09:00.000-05:00

Think about that for a minute.

No, seriously, why are you here? It's an important question - perhaps the most important question we can ask ourselves.

Sit down and listen. This may be the last time I'm able to talk to you like this.

I can no longer pour out my soul to the world. No, it's not you. Those of you I know only through our online interactions have kept me posting even when I didn't feel like it. No, the problem is with those I know in real life. I can't post here because my true thoughts and feelings would cause harm to those who care about me, or it would be inappropriate for me to share these things with them, for whatever reason.

A deep loneliness consumes me, and it's only one kind of loneliness. The "regular," "human" loneliness has long since been filled by Doomkitty. What I feel is much deeper, and I'm beginning to realize that no one will ever be able to fill it.

But I've gotten off topic, as usual.

What is the value of one human life?

Same question: what is the value of your life?

Why do you insist on making a distinction?

I'm here to ask you the hard questions: the ones you don't want to think about, so you may live. Surviving is no longer enough.

Fear my silence. Embrace my words.

Why go on existing? It's circular: we exist to continue existing.

What makes life worth living? Until you answer that, there is no purpose to your life, and that's the saddest thing in the world.

Sadness. Anger. Seems to be the only emotions I have...

Life. What's the point? There has to be a point, or you wouldn't still be here. I wouldn't still be here.

You need to answer these questions. But more importantly, I need answers to these questions.

And I haven't found any.

Revolution? Evolution? There's a reason we're afraid of change. We want to be comfortable. But that way lies stasis and death.

Find the answers to those questions.

I'm going to continue to write, but not here. I can't write to you this directly anymore, and for that I apologize. My work may continue to inspire, but it'll be arriving in the form of fiction from now on.

~TheDarkChristian, who is finished.
"And if I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone." - Stabbing Westward

Haiku 2

2004-10-14T21:59:00.000-05:00

Life got strange on me.
I'm on the edge now. Of what?
Breakdown or breakthrough?

Haiku

2004-09-27T19:36:00.000-05:00

What price, love? To die?
Yes I would, gladly. To live?
Alas, I cannot.

Stalemate

2004-09-15T21:16:00.000-05:00

A situation in which further action is blocked; a deadlock.
A drawing position in chess in which the king, although not in check, can move only into check and no other piece can move.

My mind is in chaos. I can move neither left nor right, but only straight ahead, toward a goal which is out of sight and possibly unattainable. I am at war with myself.

I was right to fear a true test of my abilities. I knew that regardless of the outcome it would mean the end of my current life and the beginning of something new.

Part of me no longer believes in anything, save that life is bland, and I am about to become just another drone, another sheep, just another brick in the wall. The other part is appalled that I can even think such a thing and believes that I am on the edge of a spiritual/philosophical breakthrough the power of which will completely outshine anything in my personal experience.

Ivan will be my undoing, I'm sure of it.

I'm tired. Weary. Weak. I feel... mortal, somehow.

I've always thought of myself as more than human, or different somehow from everyone else. Which is the greater delusion? To consider yourself the same as everyone else, or to think yourself unique?

Life is ending. Life is beginning.

Who am I?

What am I?

Do I even exist?

I'm beginning to think I do not.

I'm giving in, though what I'm giving in to is not yet apparent.

I'm afraid my flicker of creativity has gone out. It was my belief that I was different which fueled my thoughts, and my writing was a natural extension of my personal universe. I only desired to share my world with others.

My world? Do I have a world? Would it be ludicrous to think so? Or is my world the same as yours?

What is real?

Is the world real?

Am I?

Things are not quite what they seem.

Things are bland and boring, exactly as they seem.

Life is inevitable. There's nothing you can do to change it. Futility is the only answer.

There is no answer. Why continue looking for one?

Can I write? Can I share a story of fiction and still enjoy it? For what purpose?

Am I a writer? Or am I merely self-delusional?

If I am delusional, is it right to continue my delusion for the sake of creativity? Or should I just live my life in the mundane, doing as much as possible to make things comfortable for myself and those I love until my inevitable expiration?

What the fuck is the point?

~TDC, who has no answers
- Checkmate? Or merely stalemate?

Something new?

2004-09-13T21:53:00.000-05:00

I mentioned in my last post that I was feeling "blah". I think I'd like to elaborate on that a bit.

Some introspection (as well as interesting conversations with Doomkitty) has revealed that part of my problem is that I endlessly need something new to keep me going. Anything older than a week gets stale and I can't see myself working on it. That's a shame since the thing I enjoy most in life is sharing things with others, which I can't do effectively until I finish writing these stories.

I rant here to focus my thoughts and to share them with others in the hope that I will find some understanding and a few kindred spirits out there in the world. It is my hope that through these posts I will not only understand myself better, but manage to grow past my current limitations.

My current difficulty (and one I've faced in the past) is that life is little more than the endless march of days. Life is inherently futile, each person attempting only to live as long as possible. What's the point of that? It may be enough for some people, but it leaves me wanting.

I want to make my mark upon the world, somehow. I want to change the way people think, even if they don't remember who I am. I want to share these strange ideas with as wide an audience as possible, and to do that, I need to be published.

So what's holding me back? I look at my work with dread. I come up with new ideas periodically not because I'm inherently creative, but because I am bored with my current creations.

I have the same trouble with my current job. Sure, it kinda sucks being in an environment where things are constantly changing and you are expected to keep up, but it is not physically taxing at all, so I should count my blessings right? Well, it's not the mental challenge that's difficult for me, it's dealing with people all day every day. That's the reason I stopped waiting tables, I think.

So what's the solution? Buckle down and work on one project until it's complete? Or just keep feeding myself with as much new material as possible? I've tried both approaches and neither one works. Anyone else got any ideas?

~TDC, who just wants something new - always
- "Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle,
Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more; it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing." - William Shakespeare

The Unexpected

2004-09-07T19:31:00.000-05:00

Once again, an inordinate amount of time has passed between this post and the last. For the most part, nothing has made me angry enough to rant, and things haven't been going well enough for me to share my newest ideas with the world. Which is sad, I suppose.

I have been feeling strange, lately. Maybe bland is the best word. Not ecstatic, not depressed, not anything. All I really feel is pressure: pressure at work to do well, make more money, take more calls and get higher quality scores; pressure on myself to complete more projects; pressure from family to hang out with them' more self-imposed pressure about entertainment consumption.

I know what you're thinking: "count your blessings," right? Things could always be worse.

And before anyone asks me what's been going on with the weather in the Midwest (regarding excessive rain) - I don't know, but it isn't me, okay? There are some other interesting things going on, (read: hurricane strength) but for the most part, I've been staying out of that stuff for months now. I've got other things to worry about.

Roleplaying with Remmie, Readerle (Remmie's wife), and Doomkitty has been a fun distraction, and has gotten my creative juices flowing, but it hasn't caused me to do any more writing on the projects I already have in place.

The simple answer is that I actually have to work, I know. Writing is a challenge. I like telling people about my ideas, and the written form is ideal for that, but the actual writing is a chore. I'm still not sure what I can do about that besides buckle down and work. But even when I do that, my periods of effectiveness are relatively short.

I was having a drink every night until a few weeks ago, when I gave up the alcohol in favor of caffeine. Was that a mistake?

Maybe I should be exercising more.

Does anyone else get the impression that I'm scatterbrained? Unable to focus? Is it any surprise now that I haven't ranted for weeks?

About Soullular: Your guess is as good as Mine. Zak (formerly Ryu) has been going through some tough stuff, most recently a back injury. For those of you who have sent mail to my Soullular account, I haven't been able to access it for weeks either. If you want to contact me, the forums are the best place to do it.

On a side note, I got an instant message a while back from a screen name that I vaguely recognized. Turns out someone logged on to a terminal after me back in college and was intrigued by the username they had to clear out of AIM. That person is now going to school in Virginia, I believe. We've had some interesting conversations about religion, and they've been giving my name to their friends, sparking yet more interesting conversations. Strange times indeed.

My computer is treating me reasonably well. I've almost got a handle on Gentoo and Windows isn't crashing on me nearly as often. I've even gone so far as to download some fresh music.

So what's next? Well, I'm working on a story in the same vein as Memoirs about an athlete engineered for running in the womb, and his life choices or lack thereof. Should be interesting. I'd like to think I have a talent for seeing the effects of biotech from a unique perspective. I suppose that remains to be seen.

For those of you interested in my stories, I'm preparing Memoirs for publication, and have expanded the story by about 50%. It's up at the forums. I plan to expand it by double or triple before attempting to publish it at the end of this month. Also, check out Weathershield, which I'm planning to publish by the end of this year. As always, all comments are welcome.

~TheDarkChristian, who is just blah

- "I am ready to meet my Maker, but whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Winston Churchill

God the powerless?

2004-07-26T22:07:00.000-05:00

Life is indeed strange. It's simply incredible to think that so much time has passed and I haven't found anything to rant about. I suppose that should be counted as progress. Then again, there was quite a gap before my "Undoing God" post, so it could be the calm before the storm.

I think I might actually have something to rant about, so I'll get the life stuff out of the way first. For the most part, things have stabilized. As far as writing goes, I've made a little progress, but not as much as I would like. I have upgraded to Gentoo and I really like it, but I still have to download some software and do a little more customization before I make the move permanent, and that's when I really feel I'll be able to work on things again. And I've got a lot to do if I plan to have my rough draft of Magitech done by the end of the year and a short story published in two months.

*whew*

Now, on with the rant. Unfortunately for those around me, I've been thinking about religion again, and I've come to some interesting conclusions. Let me preface this by saying I have been reading the Dune Chronicles and have also recently finished Memnoch the Devil, by Anne Rice, so my views on religion have expanded somewhat, and alternate viewpoints are always good, neh?

Anyhow, I was recently reminded of Joshua. You know the guy, Moses' successor, the man who ultimately led God's people to the Promised Land... The battle of Jericho? Yeah, you remember now. Well, it occurs to me that three million people marching around a fortress thirteen times in a given week, and then shouting with all their might could actually collapse the walls of the fortress, especially if said fortress had been built on a fault line.

Now some would argue that this argument takes the supernatural explanation out of the picture. But I ask you this: how did they know? The Bible says that God told Joshua to do it. But what if Joshua had never heard from God? Is it possible that Joshua somehow knew that it would work, and only credited God so that others would listen to him, or to protect himself from being labeled a heretic or unbeliever?

The more I look at the Old Testament, the more I begin to draw an interesting picture. Rarely does anything "supernatural" happen without some action by a human. Is it possible that we have been giving God too much credit? Could it be that some people had managed to tap into powers inherent within each of us, drawing out an unexplainable skill?

I believe so. I am coming to the tentative conclusion that the leaders in the Old Testament were brilliant military leaders with uncanny insight, and maybe, just maybe, a bit of magic.

Yes, I said it. Magic. Call it what you like. Spirit. Power. Magic. Manipulation of otherworldly energies. Whatever. The point is, these people exhibited an ability that no one else had, abilities that even now are uncommon.

To carry part of my argument further... I've been focusing on the human side of things. But what of God himself? What can we really know about him, but the evidence of this universe, and the Bible, which, if it can be believed, is the only collection of words that have any accurate mention of God's nature.

As far as I can tell, the only thing God has actually done is create the universe. Since then, most of the "supernatural" incidents could have been caused by a sufficiently powerful human. Also, consider the acts of destruction in the Old Testament. How were they caused? Did God simply destroy something? No, he created an instrument of destruction. The Great Flood - water. Sodom and Gomorrah - fire, stone. In the future, the lake of fire. I believe God does not have the ability to destroy things. Bummer.

So what does this mean for you and me? Well, for one thing, our view of the universe may be severely out of whack. I know I haven't presented these ideas well, but we can flesh them out over at the new forums, and I'll clarify some things there.

Finally, I must believe that there is something greater within each of us, just waiting for the day that we can awaken it. Someday, perhaps someday soon, we may realize that we have abilities and potentials beyond our former imagining. It may be that we're looking too high. Perhaps the magic is already within us, and we're taking it for granted, thinking that everyone has that skill or that it's too mundane and couldn't possibly be magic. Take nothing for granted. Study yourselves. There's more there than you give yourselves credit for.

~TheDarkChristian, who just wanted an excuse to use this quote:
- Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
-Billy Madison (1995)

Becoming

2004-07-10T21:27:00.000-05:00

As most of you know, I believe that you're either growing or dying. Well, lately I haven't been dying. ^_~ It's been said that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I'm living proof of that. I don't pretend to have gone through more than anyone else, but I have been through quite a bit, especially lately, and I feel as though I've been forged in the fires of daily life and have come out strong and sharp.

I've had some difficulty writing lately (the last few weeks). But recently, Doomkitty helped me make a major transition. It's a personal paradigm shift, a complete reordering of what's important. I'm becoming an author. I really am. Writing is becoming more important to me than nearly anything else. All the things I thought were important are fading into the background, letting my creative energies really come forth.

But I'm not making some transition to something I wasn't before. That's one of the things I had trouble understanding. I'm becoming more fully who I am, and that's a very liberating feeling. I've never felt so free, so effective.

And Doomkitty was right: now that I'm doing what I should have been doing all along, all the things I had trouble taking care of are taking care of themselves. Self-esteem issues are forgotten, depression doesn't come anywhere near me, and motivation isn't even a question anymore. You don't have to think about why you're doing something if you're doing it. You only have to consider those things when you're not accomplishing them.

I thought this would be a longer rant, but it really doesn't matter. I'm writing again. I'm working on Magitech regularly, updating Reset consistently, and even ranting now and then. Life is good. Who could ask for more?

~TDC, who is an author
- When we become who we are, then we are where we should be.

Cry for Freedom

2004-07-08T18:48:00.000-05:00

Have you ever run into an old friend and found it an unwelcome surprise? I'm not referring to old relationships gone sour, I mean that the person is pleasant and kind and there's not bad blood between you, but they remind you of a past you'd rather not remember?

I ran into an old friend like that today. I've never had anything against this person, and I still don't. She's the eldest daughter of my old pastor, my dad's old friend and business partner. I ran into her at work so of course I asked her what she was doing there. She said she was working there temporarily to save up for a trip to China. I informed her that I was considering a trip to Japan, but had never considered a trip to China. She mentioned that someone else had mentioned a trip to Japan. Who was it? Oh yeah, my ex and her new husband. >.> Then we said it was nice to see each other again, and went back to work.

I've lived within thirty miles of this spot for eighteen years, and I have never felt the urge to flee from this place more strongly. I feel claustrophobic, trapped... I'm suffocating here, and I just want to be... Free? Yes, perhaps that's it. I just want to be able to pick up and move at a moment's notice.

I think I understand how Doomkitty feels now. We've been engaged for over a year, but it'll be another two before we marry, due mostly to circumstances outside our control. It's maddening, but we've persevered thus far, and there's no reason we shouldn't make it.

On Sunday our pastor spoke about freedom. It really frustrated Doomkitty, but didn't bother me as much, as my cage is a bit wider than hers. But I can feel it closing in now. Are we ever truly free? Can I escape my past? Run away from all I've ever known, loved, hated?

I'm not sure. But I mean to try.

In two years.

In the meantime, I'm not sure whether to cry out for freedom, or weep in frustration for its lack.

~TDC, who is talking to Doomkitty and Remmie at the same time ^_^
- "You can't separate peace from freedom because no one can be at peace unless he has his freedom." Malcolm X

Failure?

2004-07-01T21:53:00.000-05:00

I could have just as accurately titled this "Hypocrisy?" but decided "Failure?" was the more appropriate title.

Unless your name is Ronal or Doomkitty, you probably haven't heard much of me lately, and that's why I'm writing. It's been a strange time, as usual, and I'd rather share it with you than try to bear it alone.

The problem is, nothing's wrong. Life seems to be fine. I've got a job that pays more than I've ever made in my life; a job which is not at all physically demanding, and is only marginally demanding mentally and emotionally. Sure, I'm still a little behind on bills (most notably credit cards) but I'm in a position now where I can actually begin to catch up on those things. Indeed, I'll pay back my student loans in less than two months.

My love life? Ah, but that's been good for two years now. No complaints there whatsoever.

I have time enough to do the things I want, including playing video games, surfing the net, and writing.

All those things are going well. All my current struggles are internal. And aren't those the most difficult of all to overcome? I should be happy, productive, content. Yet I am not. Why?

It's a vicious circle. I don't do the things that need to be done, so I don't feel I deserve to do the things I want to do (like writing), so I take the path of least resistance, which is reading or playing games. Then I feel guilty for not doing what I need to be doing, which actually prevents me further from doing what needs to be done.

Speaking of opposites, I got two opposite pieces of news recently. An old online friend of mine passed away eight months ago from cancer. I've been offline so long I've forgotten what I've forgotten, and only recently rediscovered some of my old hangout spots. The thought haunts me: what if I'd done some research sooner? Would I have had a chance to say goodbye?

The opposite news is that a closer friend of mine (one I've even met in person) just told me she's engaged! Life is just full of surprises sometimes. :) Congratulations, Kim! ^_^

Back on topic, I've spoken of similar things before, usually involving depression. Well, thanks to Doomkitty, I'm mostly past that. This is something more subtle, but no less effective. I feel like I'm constantly walking the line between success and failure. My life has always been a series of conflicting desires, and that's once again apparent. Part of me dreams and desires to be something great, powerful physically and mentally, overcoming all odds and impressing everyone around me. Another part wants to sink into himself and just absorb all the entertainment the world has to offer, eschewing human contact entirely.

This conflict leaves me in a state of inaction. Is it possible to break the cycle? Certainly, but I can't do it alone. Thank God for Doomkitty. Without her, I'd drown in myself and never see the light of day. It's hard enough even with her help.

Well, if there's a point to this rant, it's that I'd like to hear from you guys. Even if I don't respond to it this way, I'm telling you now that I really appreciate all feedback and encouragement I get. It's what keeps me going. So if you like what I write, or the comics I make, or just want to say that you feel like what I say really strikes home for you, by all means, let me know. I'm pretty good about replying. Just ask around. ^_~

~TDC, who may not be locked in a state of inaction any longer
- I'm breaking the habit... tonight

EVERYBODY PANICK!

2004-06-17T20:39:00.000-05:00

I'm amazed at how alarmist and panicky people become with the slightest sign of bad weather. I'm certainly no exception. Saturday night, just as my father and I were leaving the movie theater, my sister called him and said there was a tornado warning for the county I live in, which is west of where we were. So basically, based on that evidence, I would have to drive into a potentially tornadic storm in order to get home. My mind shot in many directions and I thought long and hard about what I could do.

Should I risk going home? Should I wait it out at the theater? Should I go to my dad's to check the radar or stay the night at his place? What could I do?

Every path I considered would be an enormous inconvenience. It took me quite a while to realize that I didn't have enough information to make my decision. I decided to start on my way home and gather more information along the way. I've lived in Kansas a long time, and I know the odds of running into a tornado. For those of you who haven't grown up in the midwest, the odds are pretty slim.

So I gathered information and found that the weather service was just being cautious. If I had acted on my impulses and inconvenienced myself, it would have been for no reason.

It was shortly after I got on the road that I began to see the power of fear. The rain was a little heavy, but not torrential. The wind was moderate, and the lightning was impressive, but not threatening. But people were driving 30 mph on the interstate. The speed limit there is 65. Not only were they driving slowly, many were braking randomly.

Well, I did my best to outrun that nonsense, and made my way to a state highway. The rain had dropped back to a light mist, but people were still treating it like it was six inches of snow. And these weren't out-of-towners - they were people from Kansas. What caused them to act in such a dangerously cautious manner?

They had no reason whatsoever. The whole drive home was a nice light show with very light rain and moderate wind. The local radio station that switches to non-stop weather reporting during dangerous storms was playing movie themes.

I have a theory: those people acted on incomplete information, as I nearly did. Instead of verifying the facts, they overreacted. That kind of overreaction is dangerous. Frankly, the people frighten me more than the weather. How can we get people to change the way they react to potentially dangerous situations?

I have no idea. Do you guys have any suggestions?

~TDC, who doesn't leave the house if he can avoid it.
who needs lyrics?

Self-Torture

2004-06-03T22:27:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning to come to grips with the fact that no one understands me, and that no one ever will. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just something that I've been observing for time, and need to admit to myself if I'm to maintain my sanity. The truth is, no one can fully understand someone else, and yet that's what we all seem to want. Well, some of us anyway. Isn't that why we create? Why we love? Why I write?

Of course. We want to connect to each other on a fundamental level, eternally striving for something unattainable. But that doesn't make us less. The trees stretch toward the sun, never resting in their pursuit of growth, and they are the tallest living things on our planet. It's just a matter of perspective, as everything is.

I've had some deep discussions lately with Doomkitty, and many things are becoming more clear for both of us. I'm beginning to realize that I'm hard on everyone, but hardest on myself. I see that I'm calculating (others might say cold) and that I see it as a virtue, wondering why others don't see as clearly, or mentally lowering them a peg for not using the talents they have.

I'm certain that the faculties I possess are not far different from anyone else, I just feel that I use my talents differently. I spend much time in introspection, which helps me more clearly understand others. This is both a blessing and a curse. The more you understand others, the less surprise there is in the world. You know pretty much what the person's going to say. You've been over it in your head a hundred times already, and by the time it really happens, it holds nothing special for you, however important the moment, because you've lived it already.

Yes, I've been reading Dune. As with everything I read, it resonates within me. I believe that everything you read changes or refines you. Everything you watch or play or sing or do... All these things, mixed with some undefinable individual element, define who you are as a person.

*sigh* Once again I ramble without truly ranting. I feel like I'm skirting the edge of some truth, but that the more I look at it, the harder it is to see. Is it that I'm unable to plunge deeper into that void? Or is it just that I'm afraid to, on a level far deeper than the conscious?

Well... I suppose I can deal with that later. I feel confused at the moment, having difficulty placing my thoughts coherently on the screen. I guess I'll just get to news then.

I've updated Reset again. Reset is a sprite comic I made three years ago but never completed. I've been meaning to for some time, and now I'm on that path again. If you like video games, give it a shot, you might just like it.

In other news, Ryu and I have been discussing Soullular and what's necessary to finish it. We'll be meeting on Saturday to talk over the final details, so you might have some more stories to read before long.

~TDC, whose vision is clouded
I'm not feeling too good about this one, some kind of surreal expression. Surrealist expressionistic? Whatever.

Moving

2004-05-13T18:35:00.000-05:00

Has it really been so long? Almost a month since I last ranted. It's been a busy one. I've moved from the one-bedroom apartment (read: hellhole) I've complained so often about to a two-bedroom with problems all its own. The nice thing, though, is that I have a room dedicated to my computer and creative endeavors.

I won't bore you with the details of moving. You know what it's like to move from one place to another, though you probably use boxes instead of plastic grocery bags. No, what you want to know about is what I can produce. What can I do for you? Man, you guys are selfish. ^_~ Seriously, though, I need something to keep me being creative. These last few weeks have been like a drought.

In other news, Ryu's internet connection went down, so he hasn't been able to keep up with his work, let alone Soullular, but hopefully before too long we'll get all this worked out. I really am looking forward to some of the things on the horizon... It's just that the details of life keep getting in the way.

I've been working on downloading the fonts I lost, so I can get back to work on Reset. Trouble is, I can't remember what some of them were. I might have to improvise, and I don't like to mess with the established formula. Anyway, progress is being made, even if you can't see it.

As far as writing goes, I've been thinking more and more often about Magitech, and I really need to get some work done on it. I've got a lot of ideas, and Doomkitty has been helping me sort through them.

The last few weeks have brought up things in me that I didn't know were there. Or perhaps I knew they were, but hadn't seen them in so long I had forgotten them. There is a strength there to counter the depression, a powerful will that doesn't often see the light of day. I've been searching long and hard for it but it's still eluding me. Now that I've seen it, though, I won't be content until it's a part of me.

Also, the darkness within me is rising up again. I don't mean evil, I just mean... Well, darkness. I don't know if I could describe it very well. It's a kind of melancholy, it's a black anger, and a strength that can only come from this very solid darkness at my core. I don't know if this is my truest self or merely an aspect of myself that has become dominant, but I'm seeking it out.

Anyway, I was surprised that I got so little feedback from my last rant. It caused me so much difficulty for so long that I was amazed it touched so few people. I expected to make waves, but I didn't even make ripples. That just tells me that I'm not yet well enough known. I'd tell you guys to promote me, but given my track record, I can't really advise it. Things will pick up when I'm more steadfast and reliable. Until then, I'll just be ranting in circles, waiting for... Well, for something to break the cycle.

I think something is about to break that cycle. Recent events and readings (mainly Orson Scott Card, as usual) have shifted my viewpoint a bit. I'm no longer the passive, objective observer. Now I'm beginning to act in my own best interests... This is your one and only warning: if you're close to me, be prepared for major change. I'll not be reacting in the predictable ways I have been. Something has been broken within me, and I'm still trying to discover whether it was part of myself, or something being imposed on me from outside and holding me back. Whatever it was, it's broken now, and there's no turning back. The floodgates have opened and the darkness is pouring out, touching every aspect of my life.

I wonder why everyone else associates darkness with evil. They are so different I can't even comprehend it... The idea that evil doesn't show itself in the light of day is laughably ludicrous. I understand the mystique of night and what it does to people, but as with light, darkness is broken into a thousand myriad varieties, each as unique and distinct as the colors of the rainbow. Who would mistake blue for orange?

Wow. It seems I'm rambling more than ranting. Considering the topics I've just covered, it's pretty obvious that I need to be writing more often. I'd rather dig into each of the things that's on my mind rather than skipping across the surface of several of them. For the time being, I suppose this is my journal, made available for all the world to see. For whatever reason, I desire to share the way my mind works with other people.

You have a great opportunity, to know and understand me as no one else does. Indeed, it's because of writing like this that Doomkitty really grew to love me. I pour my soul into each word, each letter that blazes its light into your brain... I don't require that anyone read my rants, but I can say with authority that no one can hope to understand me otherwise. There is a great opportunity here, for those who want to know more about me, those who know me personally, and especially my parents.

Mom & Dad: I won't say that you should read this, but I will say that you have an opportunity here that few parents ever have: the opportunity to truly understand your child.

Well, I've staggered in so many directions that no one would doubt that I was drunk. What a mess. Chaos and order, eh? Chaos is currently reigning, but order is rising once again to power...

~TDC, who fancies himself darkness incarnate
silent prophet, silent kaze, dragon of wind, order mage, truth-seeker...

Undoing God

2004-04-18T23:10:00.000-05:00

If you are a Christian and consider yourself strong in the faith, I would advise you not to read further. I'm about to raise some serious questions; questions that could shake most anyone's faith.

It's shaken mine.

So do yourself a favor and skip this rant. Just go right on to Repetition. That's it just go on now. Those of you who seek truth may continue with me on this journey. Yes, that was a challenge.

I mentioned at the end of my last rambling rant that I'm having trouble accepting the Bible, or trusting God, or calling myself a Christian. I have some questions that have been called legitimate, and I'm going to raise them here. I won't presume to answer them. I know better than that. If any of you have an answer, by all means, contact me. I'd like to know.

Now a bit of background: In my early teens I went to a Christian youth convention. During that convention I cried out: "I am yours God, completely yours." And I meant it. I was on worship team in church, (still am, for that matter,) was on the council for my youth group, I've taught in church, spoken in tongues, prophesied and even spoken to God. I've brought others to Christ and ministered to Christians. I've given advice to pastors and learned from some of the greatest teachers of our time.

How can I possibly question God?

I'd like to quote a friend of mine here, who, in my rants, will be referred to as Skittles. She's been keeping an eye on my rants and responding periodically. I spoke to her the other day on the phone for an hour and a half and she really helped me to clarify my ideas. She also sent me an email recently responding to my last two rants, and I'd like to quote her here:

"The bible is a collection of interpretations of God and their world by individuals. God as found in the bible especially in the old testament is a very disturbing God. God is seen to be a lover, a father, a mother, a warrior, a king, a punisher, one who desires sacrifices, one who desires to be worshiped, one who is jealous, wrathful, hateful, and somehow God is also seen as one who loves, one you can depend on, one who is able to give strength, courage and comfort, a friend in dark times."

We disagree on a few points, but that's part of being human. Discussing things like this with someone who has a dramatically different viewpoint is the best way to see a problem more clearly. The more viewpoints the better, as things look different from a different angle. Anyway, that should give you some idea of what I'm about to get into.

Again, I advise you to stop reading unless you're prepared to question your faith. I'll be using logic, real-world examples and the Bible for this argument. I'll try to back everything up with scripture.

I'm starting with a few basic assumptions. One is that God exists. The second is that the creator of the universe and the God of the Bible are one and the same. The third is that the Bible was written under God's supervision (if not dictated directly). The rest I think I can prove using the Bible itself.

The main thing that bothers me about God and Christianity is that it only takes one solid piece of evidence to tear the whole thing apart. Just one...

I John 1:5 states that God is light and in him is no darkness at all. From this we can infer that God is good, in all the ways that we can possibly mean that word. He is not bad or evil, and he likes truth. Does that not also mean he is unable to lie?

God should also be infallible, but I don't recall reading that in the Bible.

I Corinthians 14:33 says that God is not the author of confusion. So that means he doesn't like confusion or disorder, right? And that he doesn't cause it.

So what about Genesis 11:1-9? Yup, that's right, the tower of Babel. People tried to build a tower to reach God, and in response he made it so that they all spoke different languages. It says that he confounded language... Wouldn't that be considered confusion?

Another thing I find disturbing: God said in Malachi 3:6 "I am the LORD, I change not." Does that mean he is always the same? That he would respond the same way in every situation? Would you not agree that you would have to change something of your self to change your mind?

Exodus 32:7-14 tells an interesting story. Moses is talking to God, and the people have created and worshiped golden calves. God has stated that Moses should get out of his way so he can kill them all and start a new people through Moses. But Moses reminds God of a promise he made to his servants, and verse 14 says that God repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people.

That should be enough to make a few people raise their eyebrows. Now for some speculation. Something I've mentioned before is the idea that all of this could happen again. Revelation promises us a new heaven and earth, a new Jerusalem, new bodies, no more tears or pain...

But what about free will?

Free will's what got us in this mess in the first place. The freedom to choose. Lucifer chose to try to take over.

If we maintain our free will in paradise, what's to keep one of us from trying to take over again? If no one else will, I volunteer.

If we don't keep our free will... wait, would a kind, loving God really take away our free will? How can it be paradise without freedom? Eternity's a long time...

I've heard people say that we won't care. That we will be so happy praising God forever that we won't even notice that we don't have free will anymore. That's what frightens me most of all. It conjures up all the images from the dark utopias I've ever read. That's mind control, and even if it's pleasurable, it's a loss of freedom.

Another question that bothers me is the phrase "God hardened Pharaoh's heart"... What does that mean? Does it really mean that God made Pharaoh not listen to Moses? Didn't the poor king have enough troubles without God's interference?

It strikes me as odd that God allows his power to flow over sinners, even those who seek to undo him. Is that not foolish? Or is God so secure in his power that it doesn't matter how much power he gives away? I would call it arrogance, but how can it be arrogant if it's true?

Why doesn't he strike me down? Is it because he doesn't care, because he can't, because it doesn't matter? Is what I'm doing meaningless, or merely inconsequential? This certainly isn't the focus of my life. To me, this is merely a side-project, something that's getting in the way of my real work. Is Gd that confident that my study will fail? I'd certainly like to be proven wrong. It's not exactly reassuring to think that the most powerful being in the universe is untrustworthy.

If God is expecting me to give up, though, he will be disappointed. I'm not the type to let go of such an ambitious project. If a question remains unanswered, it grates on my nerves. I will not be comfortable until this project is completed, one way or another.

I would have to say that, having seen The Passion of the Christ, I'm closer to Jesus than I've ever been, but I'm still farther from God...

I haven't seen that God has done anything in my life. I know that he exists - I've spoken with him - but all that has happened in my life can be attributed to my (or someone else's) actions. Miracles? No. Just human compassion or pity, or some less noble aspect of human nature.

I have more to say on this subject, but I want to get this over with. I'm posting this now, but I'll be broaching the subject time and again, probably. The questions never go away, and they need to be asked. But for now, I need to have the freedom to rant at will, and these weighty topics have definitely slowed me down. I've only ranted twice in the past two weeks.

I have things to say about other subjects as well.

~TheDarkChristian, who has more questions than answers
"He who has eyes to see, let him read"

Repetition

2004-04-13T23:26:00.000-05:00

My mind is scattered. That's not to say that I'm not thinking coherent thoughts. It's just that I'm thinking so many that they fly through my head too quickly to hold on to. And it's happening constantly. A little self-analysis reveals that the thoughts are being stored, so at least I don't have to worry about retrieving them later. How reassuring.

It occurs to me that this may be what it's like to be manic. If so, I can understand why people sink into depression when it ends.

May it never end.

I'm sitting here in church, which is where I do my best writing, at least lately. I'm listening to a Messianic Jew who has some interesting stories to tell. After he tells us about the completely optional items for sale at the table just outside, which are apparently "powerful." The charisma of a Jewish salesman never ceases to amaze me.

Among other things, I've been reminded that, according to most Christians, if you're away from God, things don't go well. Things get complicated, and people worry.

Life has seldom been better for me. Everything's falling into place, and my worries are melting away like snow in August. And I'd be hard-pressed to say that I've ever been farther from God.

Side note: I've just finished reading Hart's Hope by Orson Scott Card, which I wouldn't recommend to anyone. But it's helping me understand the idea of the Passover lamb ans Jesus' sacrifice. All the sins of the nation of Israel went into the blood of the lamb. All the sins of the world went into Jesus, whose blood was then spilled and drained away, never to be seen again...

Back on track... (or going somewhere for the first time?) The fallacy of our memories is both a blessing and a curse. The sting of pain, the ache of the death of another, the breaking of our hearts, however many times - all these fade. The face of your mother, the touch of a former lover, the joy of a birthday, even the lessons we learn - all these things fade as well.

I think this is why people teach the same things over and over again. Not because there's someone new in the audience, though that may be a reason. It's because we've forgotten it, and need to hear it again.

We've heard it, certainly, but we haven't learned it. But we've heard some of these things so often that we recognize them when we hear them, so that we even nod and say "Yes, of course" or we say that we've heard it before and stop listening. Yet we haven't learned it yet, so why should we be surprised when we hear it again?

Am I speaking to myself? Am I writing this for my own benefit? I'm listening to the Messianic Jew I spoke of earlier tell the story of his life again, and at the key points of his testimony I find myself nodding in shared acknowledgment, laughing with a knowing understanding. The man speaks of the night he was saved, for which I have no basis for comparison, but he also speaks of the power flowing through him from top to bottom and I nod and smile.

Ginosko. It's a Greek word meaning "to know by experience," and they considered it the highest form of understanding.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not fully certain of what I believe. Why? Because I'm a rational, logical person, and Christianity is based on faith.

But even logic leads to a belief in God. Read Gerald Schroeder's The Science of God and/or C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. Science and logic both lead to the inevitable conclusion that God exists.

So where's the crisis? Honestly, it's with the Bible itself. I know better than to condemn the religion because of its practitioners. I've gone to the source. But what I read raises some legitimate questions, and those are keeping me from trusting God. And if you can't trust God, how can you possibly call yourself Christian? Or even TheDarkChristian?

You begin to see my dilemma.

I have much more to say on the subject, but I haven't finished it all yet, and I wanted to get something updated here, some new content for you to read. I'll finish my argument in the next post... or at least begin it. This may take a while, as it's an ambitious project, to say the least...

~TDC, who is questioning God's credentials
"He who has ears to hear, let him hear..."

Contemporary Insanity

2004-04-03T00:17:00.000-06:00

(For those of you reading this in the future, [or for those who are just interested,] I am working on a short story by the same name.)

It occurs to me that I am insane. No, I'm not going to go on a homicidal rampage. My insanity is more subtle than that. There's no need to lock me in a rubber room, or feed me medication, (except perhaps a little alcohol,) because if I understand things correctly we are all a little insane.

I've been reading Orson Scott Card's "The Changed Man", a collection of short stories which are labeled as horror. I find these stories fascinating. I just read one about a man who wrote a suicide letter after firing the shotgun that quite effectively removed his head. Fascinating, and, to be honest, amusing, but not frightening in the least. Now I'm not saying I didn't find any of the stories frightening, just that I don't think I was scared by the stories that frightened other people most often.

I suppose I just don't understand horror. I was a teenager when I first felt real fear. I rarely if ever fear for my personal safety, having confronted the idea and possibility of my own death so many times that it now seems routine. Growing up, my parents didn't allow me to watch scary movies or television. I was sheltered, but the upside is that I've never had a nightmare.

Let me say that again, for those of you who didn't catch the significance.

I'VE NEVER HAD A NIGHTMARE.

So the things that I'm sure others find frightening are merely curious or interesting to me. At worst, they are a little disturbing, and at best amusing. I know that others feel differently because I attempted to relate one of the stories to Doomkitty. It was called "Freeway Games" and was about a man who got off on following people on the highway. He didn't want to do anything to them if they stopped, just wanted to play this game. Inevitably the people he follows make a foolish mistake and die. In the end, a woman with the same malady leads him to his own death.

In my mind, this is justice. Indeed, the purest form of justice, as he was slain by one of his own breed, a person with the same problem he had. It occurred to me that he was pushing innocent people to their deaths, while she was leading guilty people to theirs. I saw it as an intriguing concept, easily forgotten.

As I related the story to Doomkitty, I began to feel sick. I turned to look at her, and saw how her face was twisted with disgust and horror. We are so closely connected that I often feel her reactions to things, and I was becoming nauseous from her reaction to this story.

It's not just my reaction (or lack of reaction) to horror stories that leads me to believe I am insane, however. It's that I have consciously set myself back one layer from the real world. It's like I know that the world is real, but a part of my mind perceives it as fantasy, and so has no real consequences, at least where relationships are concerned. I understand the reality of life and death, but it's almost as if other people's feelings are a game to be played.

No, that's not quite right.

It's like my mind has concluded that nothing I say to others has any bearing on "reality", whatever that is. I don't even know if I can relate this correctly. Maybe I should use a real-world example.

I struggled recently within myself. I was trying to decide between doing what I thought was right, and hurting someone else for my personal benefit. My father and I had been planning to do business together for some time. But recently it became apparent to me that that was not the best path for my life to follow. My sense of honor led me to want to follow through on that unwritten agreement. I was willing to make a self-sacrifice, not for my father, but for my own sense of justice.

After much deliberation, I decided to do what was best for me in the long run. I put my ideas down in writing, (as that's the only way I can be sure to get it all down, and I think best with my hands on a keyboard,) and emailed it to him. Since then, though, it's like I've been shielded from any repercussions due to that action. It's not so much that I feel at peace about my decision; it's just that I almost don't feel that it's real. Like I'm sheltered from the real world.

Which is stronger, truth or fiction? Is there any difference? My mind slides easily from one thought to the next, unhindered by feelings or emotions. I certainly feel, but my feelings help to guide and shape my thoughts, rather than leading them. I begin to wonder, however, if it's not my thoughts that shape my emotions. I've known for a long time how to keep myself from feeling something, but this is different, deeper inside me. It's at the core of my being, like an ability that I was born with...

I hadn't planned to write tonight. I suppose I never plan to write. It just happens. How can I do otherwise? Without the ability to shape my thoughts into words, I would go further insane, and be unable to function in the world at all. But with these incomplete translations of thought to written word, how can I help but go slowly mad?

How insane can you truly be if you're aware of it? It's a question I've often asked myself. My conclusions are not reassuring, but to be honest, I don't really care.

~TDC, whose madness doesn't bother him
"I'm not crazy / I'm just a little unwell / I know / right now you can't tell"

Day of the Cynic

2004-03-31T23:25:00.000-06:00

So another holiday is upon us. Bah and all that jazz. April first has been cursed as April Fools' day, in which people commit uninspired and unoriginal pranks on one another. How did this get started? Who cares?

Did I mention that I hate holidays?

All this holiday really does is suspend our belief for twenty four hours. Nothing anyone says can be trusted on first hearing. We all become cynics, no matter how reliable the source, and with good reason.

Many sources take pride in their April Fools' jokes, most notably media sources. Websites, radio stations and magazines. But their jokes are rarely amusing or creative. Instead, each tries to come up with the most believable lie, and then laughs at anyone who believes them.

As I've mentioned before, I will never lie to you. I despise lying, though I must admit I have a knack for it. Acting comes easily to me, as does storytelling, which is a kind of lying. But here in the rants, I speak the truth, as I find it insulting to do anything else.

Anyway, let me step back down off my soap box. Does anyone else think April Fools' day is any fun? Most of the time it turns into practical jokes. What exactly is and April Fools' joke anyway? Maybe I just don't understand it properly.

I still think holidays are a load of hogwash, but at least this one doesn't attempt to falsely knit together a nonexistent family.

At least it's warm again.

Man, that wasn't nearly as good a rant as I was expecting it to be. Bah.

Well, in other news, we're putting the last few touches on Soullular, so you can look forward to that soon. :) I have a few good stories to share with the world, and I can't wait to hear what people think.

~TDC, who daily wonders why people read what he writes
"Won't you come and ease my mind? / Reasons for me to find you... / peace of mind... / what can I do / do get me to you?"

Falling rock

2004-03-28T23:39:00.000-06:00

As I was driving along a state highway today, I realized just how rocky Kansas is. There are several areas where the rock is exposed on both sides of the highway, as if someone had carved out a valley for the highway to travel in. But the thing that really interests me about these rock formations is scree.

I don't know how many of you are familiar with mountain terminology, but scree is the loose rock at the bottom of a mountain or other steep slope. The reason I find it interesting is because it wasn't there last time I drove through here.

So it makes me wonder, did it all fall at once, in one great slide, or did each piece move gradually over time?

But to be honest, it's not the loose gravel-sized rocks that worry me. It's the twenty-inch-across stones that I see ten or twelve feet from the rock face. I know that one of those stones worked loose and fell down, rolling to its current resting place. These things don't always happen at night when it would be convenient for us.

Does this worry anyone else?

I can't help but wonder what would happen if I were to see a rock rolling toward me from off the highway. I don't know whether I'd swerve to avoid it, or if it would slam into my car from the side, or perhaps bounce up like some demonic softball and crash through my windshield.

Okay, so maybe it doesn't worry me quite that much. But you get the idea. Would insurance even cover that?

The thoughts that flow through my mind when I'm supposed to be piloting a one ton vehicle moving at seventy miles per hour... Perhaps that should worry you more than the falling rocks, neh? ^_~

~TDC, who is apparently paranoid of inanimate objects (aren't you supposed to be paranoid of people?)
"your hair is everywhere..."

Launderstorm

2004-03-28T00:41:00.000-06:00

Risking your life for a load of laundry really puts things in perspective. Perhaps I should explain.

Then again, perhaps I should leave you wondering. That could be fun.

Hum dee dum dum dum...

Nah, that got boring. Let me explain. ^_~

I've been putting off my laundry for a while now. I did the dishes last night, so I felt safe doing the laundry today. Doomkitty was to be arriving in the early afternoon (she's back from vacation! yay!) so I figured I could get it done after I worked overtime this morning and before she arrived. (Did I mention it's been a busy week?)

Well, shortly after I got home from work, she called to say she was on her way, driving as fast as she could. Well, I was planning on working with my web designer for an hour or so, and doing the laundry in between, as it only requires a few minutes effort with long pauses in between. So I called him up and we did fifteen minutes of intense design and discussion, wrapping up just as she walked in the door. *whew*

Anyway, she was here for a few (too short) hours, and then I had to work on some personal writing. I casually checked the radar on my forecast applet, seeing a line of storms heading in, but didn't really think anything of it.

So after a while I start thinking, "Well, I can just put off my laundry 'til tomorrow." And then I remember how long tomorrow's going to be, and that I have to sing in church in the morning (you can't wear wrinkled, dirty clothes to church now, can you? especially not the same clothes you wore last week ^_^'') so I get my lazy bum off my couch and headed down to do the laundry.

On the way out, I notice some light sprinkles, but I didn't really think anything of that either (my mind's been elsewhere, okay? I'm not usually this absent-minded). But on the way back (I live in an apartment complex, so I have to walk down the parking lot to the laundry area in the basement of another building, maybe 300 feet outside) I remember, quite vividly, the radar picture I had seen a couple of hours before, cursing myself for a fool.

The rain really began in earnest after I got back in, (I credit it to good timing on my part ^_~) followed by thunder and lightning. My second run was brief, as I only had to worry about dryer sheets and I could use my umbrella with my other hand. When it came time to actually get my clothes and carry them back up, however, the sky ripped open and poured out its wrath upon the earth.

Just as I was pondering what to do next, Doomkitty called. Well, that saved me the difficulty of having to worry about that problem. I could just put it off for a while. We had a lot of catching up to do, as we hadn't talked for more than eight minutes a day all week. After an hour or so, I began to get worried, though. The rain was coming in waves, but each one seemed stronger than the last.

Reluctantly, I hung up the phone and prepared for my battle with the outdoors.

It was challenging enough just juggling the empty basket and the umbrella. I didn't want to think about the return trip.

So I gathered my laundry into the basket and prepared to set out. Now, how to carry a basket in one hand and an umbrella in the other? Or should I carry the basket with both hands, put my hand through the wrist strap and hope the wind doesn't take my cover away? Or should I try to hold both the basket and the umbrella in one hand, hunching low over my precious cloth belongings?

I opted for the first choice. Last week I splurged and spent seven dollars on a kickass laundry basket. It's got rubberized handles, hand guards, and a rubberized, inward-curved section designed for resting on your hip comfortably. At least, relatively uncomfortably. This is one of those odd times when I realize that if I were female, I wouldn't have this problem. You see, my hips didn't stick out enough, so I had to wedge the edge of the basket into the area between my hip and thigh.

Needless to say this was mildly painful. After trying a few other, considerably more painful places, I steeled myself mentally to handle the pain and braved the storm.

It's unfortunate that halfway back I realized how absurd the whole situation was. Here I was, walking briskly through a thunderstorm in shorts and a t-shirt, holding a metal rod draped with waterproof cloth carefully over my just-dried clothing, and quite effectively bruising my hip for the privilege. It was my own grim determination that nearly had me laughing. Of course, that also nearly made me drop the basket...

Anyway, I made it safely back to my apartment, hung up my clothes (to the sounds of liquid Buzz, a local radio station's answer to the techno scene) and decided to tell the world about my ludicrous endeavor.

I fought mother nature and won. And I have the bruise to prove it.

~TDC, who is not so far gone that he can't laugh at himself (and who wrote two rants within eight hours of each other)
"and the thunder rolls..."

As we know it...

2004-03-27T17:34:00.000-06:00

I heard a DJ on the radio talking about someone who had just called in, saying that some asteroid had a 65% chance of slamming into Earth next year. The DJ said "Yeah, right, I read Maxim too." So I hope the caller was mistaken or joking. I certainly hadn't heard anything of the sort until then. But it got me thinking. How close is the end?

Seldom does a week go by in which I don't hear someone say that America is going to end in five, ten or fifteen years. Everyone has their own predictions. As for the world ending... For many people here in the States, is there a difference?

I'm sure every generation has thought theirs was the last, that the end surely must come within their lifetime. The first century church was certain of it. The last hundred years has definitely lent weight to those fears. During the World Wars, how could we help but think that the end times were upon us? What hell could possibly be worse than the atomic bomb?

But just because past generations have made the same claim does not make the current one any less valid. No one can argue that things are worse now than they were forty years ago, or twenty, or even ten.

But just how far away is it?

Well, I suppose that depends on your religion. Christianity says (among other things) that Solomon's temple must be rebuilt on the temple mount. Sounds great. Just one problem: the Dome of the Rock has stood there for over twelve centuries. Also, the temple is supposed to descend out of the sky, bathed in light, and cover all the earth. So what are we to do?

Well, one man has an answer. Two answers really. He's going to make a lightweight metal and plastic full-scale model of the temple and suspend it from a blimp above the Dome of the Rock, then bathe it in lasers, effectively painting the temple in midair, fulfilling at least two verses in Ezekiel.

He also plans to make a massively multiplayer online RPG (mmorpg for all the geeks out there ^_~) that anyone can use, whether they follow Judaism, Christianity or Islam. They'll be rewarded for playing nice and punished for persecuting the other faiths. Sounds interesting, and maybe even fun. And it fulfills the prophecy about the temple covering all the earth.

So is it possible to actively fulfill prophecy? We know that Jesus knew is Scripture, so it's almost certain that he was conscious of fulfilling prophecy. But does that make it right?

And what will that bring about? Will the tribulation begin? Or will it bring about an era of peace between the three religions? Only time will tell, I suppose, but no idea in the last ten years has frightened me this much.

BTW, the information listed above, about the guy rebuilding the temple, is from the latest issue of Wired magazine, the one with Peter Jackson on the cover.

~TDC, who is pondering the end of the world (as usual) ^_~
no words...

Predicaments

2004-03-23T22:04:00.000-06:00

I definitely prefer the problems I'm currently having to my previous ones. As things stand now, I'm having trouble keeping up with all the things I want to do. Before, no matter what I needed to do, I could never bring myself to do it. Now I find myself constantly active, but always behind, always with something else to do, and almost always willing to do it.

Why? Soullular is up. (It's not yet functioning. The large image contained there is roughly what it will look like. Give it a week or so while we finish the html and javascript. But bookmark it. If you like anything I've ever made, you'll want to go there often.) :) What is Soullular? So glad you asked. It's a gathering or merging of souls. Maybe a networking. The website is going to be my new online home. The words you're reading now will soon be hosted there, (and here as well. No reason to give up my blog,) as well as all my past, present and future creative endeavors. I'm working with a web designer friend of mine, and his work is simply incredible. Also, he's a talented artist, and his work will be hosted at Soullular as well. So it's a collaborative creative endeavor, containing print, images, animation, music, and anything else we manage to come up with.

I don't know about you, but to me it sounds like heaven. This gives me the freedom to finish things like Reset, rant at will, pursue comic ideas, no matter how small or large, get some of my work out there and proofread by the masses and in general share my life with the world. I can't wait until it's fully functional.

So right now I'm working on rants, stories, reviews, an intro, creating a store, and making forums for the new site. Plus I have to find a new place to live in four to five weeks. And finish my taxes. >.< Yeah, I know, but this year it's more complicated than before, and I just don't want to do it... Oh, and get my car's licenses renewed. And do the spring cleaning, preparing for Doomkitty's return (she's in Louisiana on spring break).

*whew* Man, it's busy.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

~TDC, who is still reveling in transformation
"I'm counting UFOs / I signal them with my lighter / And in this moment I am happy... happy..."

Transformation

2004-03-21T13:05:00.000-06:00

Have you ever awakened to the sound of screaming seagulls? Perhaps some of you who live near the ocean hear this so often that you're sick of it. But let me tell you a little something about me that you may not know: I live in Kansas, about as far from the ocean as you can get. So what are they doing here? Good question. Doomkitty and I have been pondering that for weeks.

So where is this going? Equally good question. The answer is nowhere, which is where I was headed until last night. I guess this is going somewhere after all. I haven't slept in 31 hours, and I've never felt more alive.

I spent most of yesterday working on a collaborative creative endeavor that is well on its way to becoming a website. But I spent the day working in design, wondering if I could produce the content that I was promising. But I was so excited I didn't have time to worry about that.

I had promised to meet my fellow collaborator online after midnight to work on more details. I had also promised to be at church at a quarter before eight the next morning.

The solution? Stay up all night! It was easier than I anticipated. Of course, I had caffeine to aid me. But as I watched the sunlight creep west this morning, pushing back the darkness, I felt a similar pushing happening within me.

Was it a caffeine rush? Adrenaline? Time will tell, but I think something more profound is occurring.

I am free. The last of the things that bound me is about to be utterly destroyed. I've been held back in a number of ways the past few years: lack of love from friends, family, women; lack of reliable (or safe) transportation; lack of sound mind and heart; lack of comfortable housing; lack of financial stability... One by one I've managed to correct each of these lacks. Some by chance, others through gifts, the rest through sweat, blood and tears...

But the last bonds are breaking... They're falling apart, and I am free... The world smells different, feels different. Thoughts flow easily through my mind. I cannot write quickly enough.

Morning has broken.

I AM FREE!!!

~TDC, who is a bond-slave no more...
"One life, win or lose it's all on a bet
One Chance, don't show and do not forget."

Work rant:

2004-03-20T00:03:00.000-06:00

You know, after this, I probably won't rant about work again. Sure, I'll probably talk about some of the things people call in about (I work at a call center/information line), but I won't pick on management's follies. I was talking with my coworkers about some of the gripes we have with how things are going, and one of them showed me an email she had saved. Apparently this guy sent it to everyone at our company. Not just our local call centers, but to ever email address he could find on every email server we have. Management immediately yanked the email, but the damage was done. It's just too great a piece of writing to go so underappreciated. It deserves some wider recognition, so it'll get it here.

Keep in mind that all names (company and personal) have been changed to protect... well, me. ^_~

So it's my last day. Usually by this time the apathy has set in to a degree that precludes presenting grievances.

That's what happened last time. Though I've been here for three years I left once before for a couple of weeks, and I left "in the right way". So when the dream job I thought I had fell through I came back without ever fully separating from the company (or so I thought). My mistake: I left the bridge intact.

This time I have no intention of doing so. I am leaving to pursue graduate work I know I will be successful at. My future jobs will be in a coffee shop where all they care about is that I can make a drink (while in school) or with an agencies or policy centers that cares about my academic qualifications. I'm through with this place.

Bring in the barrels of incendiary, boys. We need to make a thorough job of it.

In the finest traditions of separation I list for you my grievances:

1. You have devalued me as an employee. I was hired as technical support into a small division of well-qualified individuals. Technical support is not the apex of my capability, but a position that I can hold with justification to my degree already earned. *Company name* capitulated to a contractor's demand and integrated my technical department with customer service, redefining our roles to unskilled labor.

2. Following this integration someone with inestimable callousness decided that those of use hired into skilled positions were making too much. We now receive no annual pay raises, but instead a lump disbursement, saving *Company name* money and decreasing our long-term earning ability. This evidently will continue until our new colleagues are matched with us. Equitable pay is laudable, but with this process it is at our expense.

3. Seeing the train-wreck coming in fall 2001 I offered my resignation, confident I had secured another position. Shortly thereafter I discovered that was not the case, and contacted my manager here. It was indicated that I would resume my position "as if I'd never left", since I had never fully separated from the company. It was explained that no new paperwork would need to be submitted. The local Human Resources officers advanced this understanding, as well. I found out latter that this was not the case.

1. I lost all benefits, not noticing the omission until the 30-day window had expired. Dental work that was immediately necessary had to be postponed an entire year. With the result that a permanent molar that may have been savable has now been extracted. At the age of 25 I, who brush and floss regularly, was missing a tooth meant to last me a lifetime.

2. I was refused a merit raise in March when everyone else received one. Never-mind that my yearly evaluation was exemplary, corporate policy precluded two pay raises in one year. Since I had been re-hired immediately as a temporary employee and then within a week elevated back to full time-and since this was in the first week of January-it was counted as a "raise".

3. No matter that everyone with whom I had contact had provided erroneous information, the juggernaut of corporate bureaucracy decreed that I had no remedy available to me.

4. My attitude became sullen after the above situation, and justifiably so. Yet the fact that my difficulties arose from company actions (or inaction) was no barrier to my performance review degrading with respect to "attitude". No. Really?

5. For reasons probably nefarious management has seen fit to disburse members of this group-integrally cohesive since departmental integration-among many and several supervisors. It's entirely probable that we scream to loud when stupidity comes down the line, and are easier to handle while scattered.

6. *Company name* has treated fellow employees shabbily, maintaining individuals in "acting" roles for prolonged periods of time and then demoting said individuals to save money. At the same time, management expects these individuals to continue executing the same tasks without commensurate remuneration.

7. Most of the group I started with has left, been driven off by the increasingly mercenary and draconian nature of this company. A cohort of friends moved to Lawrence shortly before me, and one reported back "*Company name* is like *another company name* before they learned how to be assholes!" I'm sorry to say that only the first four words are applicable anymore.

There's more in this vein, but I've fulfilled my purpose. In summary, I worked honestly and diligently for this company. This company has not done the same for me. This place has treated me shoddily and ground my once immense work ethic into non-existence. I have been denied raises so that my wage now is exactly the same as it was two years ago. I never wish to step foot in here again. Sadly, I know that I am not the only one. Two compatriots who sat near me have left in the last couple of months and I know they felt exactly the same was. They simply couldn't be arsed to spend their last day typing out a missive such as this-they just wanted the hell away. I also know that there are others still here who have their own reasons for negative sentiment, but that they will keep their head down and mouths shut. I'm certain that before too long management will achieve its goal to be rid of all of us inconvenient technical types that made too much.

That's enough. Those of you left behind, I advise you get out with what soul you still have.

Bring the match, boys. And wave two fingers under your chin for *company name* while doing so.

*personal name*

*department name* Technical Support

800-123-4567 TTY: 800-987-6543

****************************************************************************

This email may contain confidential
material. If you were not an intended recipient,
Please notify the sender and delete all copies.
We may monitor email to and from our network.

***************************************************************************

That last bit is sent out on all emails. It amuses me. The phone numbers were changed too, in case you didn't notice. So anyway, that's how one man views the company I'm working for. I couldn't have put it better myself. So with all those grievances aired, I don't feel the need to rant about it myself. :D

~TDC, who uses other people's rants occasionally
"through the dark age and into the storm"

Welcome to the Age of Creativity

2004-03-18T22:07:00.000-06:00

So my fiancee (Doomkitty, for those who don't know) sent me a text message the other day, saying that Harvard had announced the world's transition from the Age of Information to the Age of Creativity. Kick ass. Guess I'm on the right track then. A friend and I are working on a "creative hub" of sorts. It'll be a collaborative project where we put up any kind of creative work we're working on. It could be a new comic idea, a story I'm working on, a site design he just wanted to show off, reviews of anime and video games... It'll kick ass.

Okay, enough advertising. Back to the rant.

St. Paddy's Day just went by... *insert empty air sound here* Did anyone else notice? I wore green that day, but no one else seemed to. I realized as I was walking in to work that I hate holidays. All holidays. You see, holidays are great when you've got someone. I know, you're saying "You've got Doomkitty! You're engaged! What's wrong with you?" Well, having a companion is wonderful. It's beyond wonderful. It's a breath of life, the ray of hope that keeps me going... But enough of the sappy stuff. What I'm referring to is family. You know, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers. Well, it may not surprise you, but I don't have much of a family. Now I'm not here to complain about my family situation, just to get across just why I hate holidays. My parents divorced a few years ago (I know, that's hardly original) and for a while afterwards my parents were still dating. WTF? Shortly after they finally called it quits, my mother and father were both engaged to other people... within the same month. Now my relationship with my mother is pretty normal. I can do no wrong in her eyes, it seems.

My father's a different story.

You see, my dad finally broke out of his shell (so he claims) after the divorce. To us, it looked like he became a different person. He was... almost nice. He laughed, he had fun, took us out to dinners and movies. Swell. Great. So our father/son relationship became a friendship. Wonderful, right? But friends do something fathers and sons don't really do: they confide in each other. Yes, my father began to unload every one of his personal problems on me. At first, I was all for it. I mean, he hadn't been on the dating scene in over 20 years, I kinda felt bad for him, so I gave him advice. But now it's getting out of control.

Both my parents expect me to visit regularly now. And you know what? I don't think they really care one way or another.

Now the first few holidays after the divorce were pretty... awful. My parents tried hard to pretend we were a family. Well, news flash, we hadn't been a family since long before the divorce, and your foolish and petty attempts at mock familial relations is disgusting.

But it had only just begun. When they got along, it was awkward. But once things went sour... Well, dad still confided in me, but now he was telling me things about mom as well. And mom wanted me to understand her position.

Let me just say that I thoroughly understand and appreciate the role of moderator. I've played this role for many successful bulletin boards, and I know how to go between the parties and mediate. I know how to defuse a tense situation. But in this, I'm helpless. What power do I have? I'm the child. They're supposed to be the adults.

Okay, for those of you playing along at home, I have a secret to tell you: adults behave in exactly the same way as children. Yep, that's right. They never mature. They never grow up. That kid you knew in high school, the bully? Yeah, still a jerk. The ditz in math class? Still an airhead. And the bickering lovers? Well, they're my parents. We all remember what that was like. Your best friend and their "significant other" got in a fight, and who got to hear it? You. It wasn't your fight, and you don't really care how it turns out, you just want to get away from it...

Okay, now I'm raving, and I only meant to rant. I may address the subject again later. What I'm trying to say is:

Happy Alcoholiday (Thanks, Nick)

On a final note: I work for one of the largest companies in town, and for one of the largest projects at this particular company. We had two or three hundred people on this one project alone, and things are expected to go crazygonuts soon. So to meet anticipated demand, they're doubling our personnel. That's right, another THREE HUNDRED employees will be hitting our site soon. Great. Wonderful. Just one problem, we already had too few parking spaces. Yup, management had their heads so high in the (profit) clouds that they overlooked the little people. When this was brought up to one of them, they said, and I quote "Oh. We never thought about that." So there you have it. These are the people I submit myself to daily, the ones who decide whether I get to work for them tomorrow or not, and they care so much about me they don't even notice if I find a parking place... Well, I do subject myself to it willingly. There are worse things, I suppose. And I admit, the money's good.

~TDC, who has obviously sold out
"...and I'm starin' down the barrel of a forty-five..."

Beginning again...

2004-03-13T00:24:00.000-06:00

Welcome. Read at your own risk.

I am known as TheDarkChristian. Some of you know me personally, some remember me from my webcomic, Reset, and I'm sure others of you are meeting me for the first time.

Most of you are probably wondering about my name. As you read my posts, you'll understand in greater detail, but I can sum it up by saying I believe the Bible, but have trouble dealing with organized Christianity. I've seen too many church leaders stab their followers in the back. A few years ago I reasoned that if they were in the light, I'd rather be in darkness... The name has followed me.

To wrap up this short introduction, I'll paraphrase Spider Jerusalem. I'll tell you many things, some things that will make you think, some that will make you cry, some that you won't want to hear. But what I won't do is lie to you.